December 7, 2010

Although I'm intelligent enough to know that each person is different and each and every breast cancer diagnosis and prognosis are different, the death of Elizabeth Edwards today has really affected me. I didn't even know Elizabeth other than what I knew of her from the media, yet I felt a strange affinity to her just by the mere fact that we were breast cancer survivors. Now she's gone.

Whether it was healthy for me to do so or not, I read about her cancer diagnosis and tried hard not to make comparisons. Her tumor was 9 cm when it was discovered, mine was 1.5 cm. I don't know if her cancer was in her lymph glands, but mine was. One source said her initial diagnosis was Stage IV, which means it had metastized further than her lymph glands. Mine was Stage IIIa initially, but that was before they determined I was HER-2 Neu negative. So is my Stage better now? I don't think I want to know.

I'm confusing myself here and yet trying to make some sense out of why a person dies anyway when they do everything according to medical protocols. I don't like it when bad things happen to good people, but I know rain falls on the good and the bad. Elizabeth was right when she said our days are numbered, and whether we have cancer or not, we need to remember not to take our days for granted or our loved ones for granted or the smell of freshly-baked cookies for granted or snow for granted or Christmas lights for granted. There are so many precious things around us, and we rush through life from one urgent event to another, missing much of the goodness. I've had a wake up call telling me that my days are numbered, and for being reminded of this, I am grateful. Many people still don't know their time is ticking away.

My third round of chemo is this Thursday, and once again, I'm hoping for a similar response by my body with few side effects. I have been so fortunate, and I have loved the normal-feeling days I've had after those first few post-chemo. After Thursday, I'll have five more rounds (one Taxol, then four of Cytoxan and Adriamycin). I am trying to do everything the right way with all of the treatments they are recommending, because I want to keep on surviving. I don't want to be protected from information such as Elizabeth Edward's passing, but it surely does make it difficult to keep a good attitude.

I hate cancer.