I finally figured out today that the port in my chest will not just "absorb" into my body, and that my body will basically have to heal around it before it will stop being tender. I'm not sure if that is a "duh" thing to anyone else, but with so much on my mind these days, that little detail escaped me until now. I can't imagine that it will ever feel normal, but my cancer survivor friends tell me I won't even notice it after a while. I guess I have that to look forward to!
We had to pick up my sewing machine from the repair place in Memphis today, and there were some other stops I wanted to make, so we headed back over there to shop. I usually like my Saturdays around Marion or West Memphis, but I have no idea what my energy level may be like in a couple of weeks, so off we went. Traci was asked to babysit today, and I told her that her dad and I would just be making some quick stops, getting a bite to eat and then heading back home, and that she wouldn't really miss much if she wanted to take the sitting job. I saw a brief glance between Barry and Traci, and when I asked what it was, Traci began to cry and couldn't talk, and Barry said, "She just wants to spend as much time with you as possible before you begin treatments." Of course, we all teared up a bit and we had a moment, and then I hugged on her and patted her, and we worked it out for her to go with us AND babysit.
One of our favorite kiddos is a sweet girl named Ellie, and she's four. We met up with her and her "Moka" (her grandmother) at Jason's Deli, and we took her from there. I could tell she wasn't quite sure if she wanted her Moka to leave her, so I leaned over and asked her if she had ever had a "Bubble Tea", and I said we were going to get one later in the afternoon. (I really like Bubble Teas--with tapioca.) That got Ellie distracted, and then she entertained us for the rest of the day--nothing like a four year old and their insight into simple things to take your mind off of your troubles. I may need to borrow her for some "Ellie Therapy" at times in the near future just to make me feel better!
At 2:00 this morning, I was wide awake, thinking. And of all things, I thought, "We need a new chair." Our current oversized chair has upholstery issues that are not likely to be repaired, and it's an old chair. So my thought was that we need a new chair--not just any chair, but a big chair--a recliner that doesn't look like a recliner, so I can have a place to lay down or Barry can have a place to lay down if one of the two of us is uncomfortable sleeping over the next weeks and months and we don't want to bother the other person. So today, we stopped by Haverty's and I told the salesperson what I was looking for, and she took me to just about exactly what I was wanting. We may shop at bit more, but this one was very nice, and I can have it before chemo starts.
As we left the store, a sparrow had flown into the window, and it was laying beside the mat. I noticed it and said something as we walked out, and Ellie was fascinated by it, but then she realized she had left something in the furniture store (a tiny bottle of marshmallow scented antibacterial gel we had purchased for her at Bath & Body Works). Traci took her back in the store for it, and when they were leaving, Ellie said, "Can I tell the lady something?" and Traci told her she could. Then Ellie said, "There's a dead bird laying outside ya'll's door." I know this amused the people in the store that she would say something about it, but the salesperson told Ellie that birds sometimes flew into their windows not realizing it would hurt them. I love the innocence and sincerity of Ellie. Such a sweetheart and so matter-of-fact about life.
I feel right now that I am flying toward a window in my life, and although I know the window is open and holds hope and curing for me, it scares me that it will hurt me and knock me down, too. I've always been a strong person who at least acts like I don't need much help from anyone, but this morning I listened to women on the morning broadcast telling their stories just before the Race for the Cure in Little Rock. Every single one of them said not to be afraid to ask for and accept help from friends, family and neighbors. I'm admitting that I have a problem in this area and may need a support group. "My name is Vicki B, and I don't know how to let people help me!"
So many of you have asked what you can do, and I never know what to say. Since my lesson from a pre-K kiddo today, I think if you want to do something for me and my family, the best thing to do is perhaps just tell me you'd like to do something--be forthright like my four year old friend. I love her no matter what, and I'll love you, too, no matter what. =)
And I know I've mentioned this, but please pray for me and the results from my PET scan. Scan on Monday, but probably won't get results until Wednesday.
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