I have always enjoyed living in an area where we have four seasons in a year, with those seasons lasting three months each according to the calendar. Sometimes the temperatures from one season may linger over into the next a bit much, and we get frustrated and long for a change. Maybe that's why I'm frustrated with this season in my life--I'm ready for a change. I'm ready to be well.
Several people have described breast cancer treatment to me as just a "major inconvenience" in their lives as they look back on it now from the survivor standpoint. As I am in the midst of it, it is more than an inconvenience in my opinion. It is all-controlling and consuming at times, and right before my chemo treatments, it is particularly overwhelming.
Yes, I am very anxious about my upcoming treatment on Thursday--mainly for the punch that the tiny red bag of Adriamycin will deliver to me. It knocked me off my feet the last time, and I didn't REALLY feel good for about five days. That's a long time. After the five days had passed, I felt good, though, and there was no fatigue like I had with my previous treatments. Woo hoo! Something to look forward to!
Chemo nausea is debilitating, and even throwing up doesn't help. Although they promise to give me additional drugs to help with nausea this time, and I'm well prepared with prescriptions, staying on top of queasiness is not easy. It can hit you when you least expect it, and it's unpredictable as to duration and strength. That's why my purse does double-duty as a pharmaceutical arsenal these days--it's full of anti-nausea meds, Sea Bands and Scop patches.
For the past four months, I've been very careful about being out and around the public during cold and flu season, and I've still caught a cold and had a stomach bug. I'm hoping I miss any of the bigger bugs that are out there, but I'm so ready not to have to worry about things like that. White and red blood counts are so important to not only my health, but they also dictate whether I can get chemo as scheduled, and fortunately, I've been normal or close to normal each time I've had my blood checked.
I'm sad to report that the silky, inch-long hair on my head that has been growing steadily since my head was shaved has just started to fall out again in the past couple of days. I was encouraged that these remnants of hair had lasted through the four rounds of Taxol and up until day 17 or 18 after this 5th round of chemo, but I suppose Cytoxan and Adriamycin had to make their mark on me in more ways than one. Several (well, two) of my guy friends have said they think I've never looked better. One actually called me "hot", and that's a stretch because I've never been hot in my entire life. It's the wig guys, and maybe it's a comment on the hairstyle I wore for more than 20 years, but I won't even have an opportunity to change hairstyles until I have some hair to change in the first place. That may be sometime during 2012 at this rate!
I remember back in August when it was so intensely hot here, and it really was miserable in Arkansas that month. Everyone wanted cooler weather, and it was such a relief when it came. And recently we've had frigidly cold temperatures with more than a little snow and ice, and just about everyone I know is ready for Spring. To add to it, the past few days have been such a blessing with tulips, hyacinths and daffodils peeking through the ground promising us of what they know will come soon.
And although I consider myself one of the lucky ones who is a survivor and I know that my treatment has an end in sight, I'm ready for this season of my life to be completed. I'm weary of the funny little tricks chemo plays on cancer patients. I'm so ready for a change for the better and just for me to be better. A season should know when it's time for a change and when it's over-stayed its welcome.
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